First Confession
By
Frank O’Connor
It all
started when the grandfather died and the grandmother came to live in house with
two grandchildren and their parents
It
disrupted the whole house. Nora played the situation to suit her and Jackie was
just embarrassed. The grandmother was not a good Cook. Jackie refused to eat
and took a bread knife to Nora when she tried to make him. She told the father
about it when he came home and Jackie got a beating.
A toffee
nosed woman called Ryan wore a cloak and bonnet and she lived in a big house.
She talked all the time about hell. She lit a candle and offered a new
half-crown to the first boy who would hold one finger in the flame. Jack being
ambitious was tempted but did not want to look greedy. The old woman said
you’re afraid of a candle flame but not of roasting in hot furnaces forever.
Then the religious old woman put the new half-crown back in her purse.
Another
day she told a story of a priest she knew who woke one night frightened to find
a stranger in his bedroom. The stranger said he wanted to go to confession he
was ashamed of a bad one he made before. The priest got up to hear him just
then a cock crew outside. The priest turned to find the stranger gone, all was
left were burned hand prints on his bed. To Jackie this was a shocking story.
It got
worse when the old woman called Ryan got us to look at conscience. Did we take
our lords name in vain? Did we disobey our parents? Did we want what our neighbours
had? I thought of the penny Nora got every Friday. I must have broken the Ten
Commandments because of my grandmother. I pretended to have a toothache to get
out of going to confession. But no such luck. Mrs Ryan sent me a message to go
on my own and be in the chapel for communion with the rest. Worse again mother
sent Nora with me.
Nora
loved tormenting me. She moaned as she held my hand “oh, God help us!” oh
Jackie, if only you were a good boy. How will you remember all your sins? I got
myself free from Nora saying I don’t want to go to confession. Nora said you
have no choice the priest will come to the house looking for you. He might send
you to the Bishop. When he hears you tried to kill me with the bread knife
kicked gran in the shin and all the bad language. Nora didn’t know the half of
what I had to tell. So I could understand why the fellow in Mrs Ryan’s story
made a bad confession.
When
Nora got me down the flight of steps to the chapel yard, she changed in to the
malicious devil she really was. She pushed me through the church door saying
now you dirty caffler, you’re for it now. As the door shut behind me, the
sunlight faded and left a deep shadow. A miserable looking fellow came in and
sat down beside me. He joined his hands looked up at the roof, muttering in an
anguished tone. I thought he must have a grandmother only a grandmother could
cause such behaviour. I felt like running away but didn’t have the courage.
Nora’s turn came, she came of the confession box head bowed walked up the aisle
to the side alter like a saint, like butter wouldn’t melt. And the way she
tormented me all the way from home.
Then it
came to my turn. With fear for my poor soul, I entered the door of the
confessional. It closed behind me and left me in the pitch-dark. No sign of a
priest. Just God and me, and the odd were stacked against me. Everything I was
taught about confession got mixed up in my head. I knelt by one wall and said
“bless me, father, this is my first confession. I waited for a minute nothing
happened. Tried another wall repeated the words again still nothing. I saw a
small shelf it was for grown-ups to rest their elbows. I managed to get up
there. I held on to a wooden moulding above it. I repeated the words a little
louder, a slide opened; a little light entered the box. A man’s voice said
“Who’s there?”
Tis me
father,” I said in fear he didn’t see me. The voice seemed to come from where
my knees were. I swung myself down like a monkey. I ended up talking to the
priest in an upside-down position. Tis an odd way to hear confession but I
started. Bless me, father, for I have sinned. This is my first confession. The
priest shouted in an angry voice “what are you doing up there?” I got such a
shock I lost my grip, hit the door and landed on the flat of my back in the
middle of the aisle. The priest and everyone looking at me, then Nora arrived
on the scene. “Oh Jackie! I might have known you’d disgrace me. Before I could
get to my feet Nora bent down and clipped me across the ear. I let out a big
roar. The priest pushed Nora off me saying “how dare you hit a child you little
vixen”. But father I can’t do my penance with him. Go do it or I will add more
to it. The priest gave me a hand up and said are you coming to your first
confession. I said yes father with a sob.
I’ll
finish with these old dears first, they won’t have much to tell, but you could
be here all day. I said yes father with some relief. Nora stuck her tongue out
at me but I ignored her. I knew when the priest opened his mouth he was above
the ordinary. It stood to reason a fellow confessing after seven years would
have more sins then people going every week. I started to look at my conscience
and barring the one bad business of my grandmother it didn’t seem so bad. The
priest steered me in to the confession box. He sat down on the other side of
the grille. Well, “what do they call you?
“Jackie father I said. And what’s troubling you Jackie? I had arranged to kill my grandmother chop
her up and carry her away in a barrow. That’s a shocking thing to do. Yes
father, but she’s an awful woman. She drinks porter, takes snuff, goes around
in her bare feet; she gives pennies to Nora none to me. I tried to kill Nora as
well with the bread knife but I missed. The girl who was beating you just now?
Tis, father. You must have great courage. There are a few people I’d like to do
the same to, I wouldn’t have the nerve. Hanging is an awful death; is it
father? Have you ever seen anyone hanged? “Dozens and they all died roaring; some
had even killed their grandmothers, but they all said ‘twas never worth it.
After
talking for ten minutes the priest walked out the chapel yard with me .He was
the nicest character I’d met in the religious line. It made me feel good. I
knew I wouldn’t die and come back leaving marks on mother’s furniture. The poor
soul had enough to worry about. Nora was sitting on the railing waiting for me.
She had a sour puss on her, when she saw the priest walking out with me. He
never walked her out. Then the priest left. Nora hopped down off the railings.
Well? “ what penance did you get?” three Hail Mary’s I said. Three Hail Mary’s
she repeated. You mustn’t have told him everything. I did, all about gran and
going for you with the bread-knife, and he only gave me three Hail Mary’s and
some bulls eyes to suck. “Lord God” she wailed, tis no advantage being good. I
might just as well be a sinner like you.
By
Ann
